surrender

I’ve been feeling *so* sick lately. Not a complaint, just a noticing.

As I was on the phone with Carrie talkin’ ’bout everything … crying, and laughing as we do … I remembered how good it feels for me to paint.

Automatically I began getting out my bag of painting things and spreading out my fluffy art blanket on my living room floor as we talked.

For a moment the thought, “But it hurts to sit and bend over a canvas right now, maybe this is not a good idea” tapped me on the shoulder.

I put down a new canvas.

“But nothing is amiss on the floor and now you are gonna mess it all up and have to put it all away afterwards. That may feel overwhelming, right?”

I didn’t listen, I just painted.

Whatever I wanted, however I wanted.

When a thought would appear
about putting something in a specific place in order to “look good,” I would quiet that thought, not even allowing it to fully form.

I just painted.

These greens felt soothing and healing and uplifting to me and painting felt that way too. I just made whatever shapes and colors felt good to me.

And when I felt done painting, I washed all of the brushes and tools just easily and smoothly and effortlessly and it was done.

Moment by moment I dropped judgment
and just did what felt good.

I told Carrie I had just painted a painting and she sounded surprised. And supportive.

Then she said something that felt beautiful, as she is known to do:

“This is the painting I made because I felt like making a painting.

This is the painting I made because it felt so good to create
that I wasn’t focused on the outcome.

This is the painting I made just to make a painting.

Because I have the freedom to paint
without worrying about the outcome.

Someday I may want to be concerned about the outcome
but today is not that day.”

I can’t tell you how good that felt, down to my soul.

The following day I was riding the waves. At times I felt so sick that I wanted to cry. At one point the thought of my painting came into my mind.

I wanted to go see it.

The feeling was so strong that I got up out of bed and went into my art studio where it was.

Truth be told, it’s not the greatest painting in the world, but it feels good to me. Making it felt good to me somewhere deep inside of my spirit.

I felt compelled to create a mandala using the elements I had painted yesterday.

And the mandala called “Surrender” was born …

Again, it feels good. As I was trying different things and the mandala was emerging, I felt this energy in my chest, this radiant, uplifted energy.

It was so strong and powerful, like a breeze coming from inside of me.

I’ve felt it before.

It’s this familiar healing energy that I receive when I create. when the creation was very much intended to come into being.

This is what Elyse calls my “vibrationally infused imagery.”

I can’t explain it but there are some words for you to play with. 🙂

When I described what’s been going on with me lately physically, my friend Susan said, “I think this time, for you, is about surrender.”

The moment I heard these words, they went straight to my soul … like the kind of words that hold deep, deep truth.

I feel  like this is my time to relax and follow the calling of my body. Rest. Rest. Don’t resist. Open and surrender and heal.

Big hugs and love to you all!