bloom true: embracing fear

Layer 4: Embracing Fear

Oooh, what came up for me today can best be described as a lil’ bit terrified …

I awoke feeling fearful about some life issues.

So I decided to come to Bloom True for some upliftment … found Flora’s instructions for the next step of our paintings … and discovered I needed to add BLACK to my colorful baby!

Oh my god!!! I felt TERRIFIED!

As I watched Flora’s beautiful painting unfold in amazing ways all I could think of was how fearful I was of making a mistake.

And covering something up that I loved.

And how do you know when to be free and when to keep what you loved.

The panic was all over me like a straight jacket.

Terror.

My thoughts returned to the life issues I mentioned.

At first I yearned to be soothed or comforted or told that everything was going to be ok.

I thought on whether or not to tell my boyfriend I was feeling this fear. I’m a big fan of honest communication. It felt right to talk to him, with an open heart.

So I reached out to my boyfriend, who reached back and I attempted to call him. The connection got dropped.

I thought …

“If he reassures you, this will only be a temporary comfort … You will need that over and over again. You need to sooth yourSELF.”

I saw a call coming in and it was him but I couldn’t pick it up. The connection was bad and once again, it got dropped.

My eyes fell on my painting. “Oh my god I am terrified.” I watched Flora’s video again but still felt terrified.

“Ok, let’s do this.”

So I got brave.

As I painted, I didn’t at all like the black on everything. I wanted to be free and easy with it so I didn’t allow myself to stop myself from putting it, even though I did not like it.

I’m also realizing how limiting my small canvas is … If I had more space, there might be more room to breathe. Maybe next time I will make smaller marks with a smaller brush.

I wondered if I should keep something that I did like but I didn’t allow myself to go there and just kept putting on the black and the white.

I sprayed it and got this even-worse grey.

I pulled out some of the greys with a cloth to reveal what was underneath. There was this really interesting distressed-looking mix of colors and marks. Hmm.

I still did not like it but I let it be, for now. This felt good, opening to what would come next, the unknown.

Infinite possibilities.

When I went back in to layer on translucent color, I felt confused and inept.

I felt as if I’d forgotten how to make all of the marks I’d once loved.

I felt like I was making rudimentary brush strokes, reverting back to where I’d begun.

In the past I had always painted the same few strokes that I knew and loved and in the last layer I’d felt like I’d broken out of that beautiful little confined cage.

Now I was back.

I intentionally made unfamiliar marks …

And somewhere along the line I began falling back in love with my painting.

I did this with all three canvases, each time a new love story.

My heart is so deeply grateful.

. . . . . . . . .

“We honour you for the road you are all walking. You are creating new roads on Earth, not just for yourselves but for everyone – freedom roads. And if there is hesitation or fear in you, do not judge it – honour the fear, be good to the fear, love the fear. The fear is a part of you. If you do this, the fear will disappear.”

– Lee Harris

Layer 4 of my original painting: